


Fallout

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s05e21 Gaza, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-02
Updated: 2005-04-02
Packaged: 2019-05-15 20:57:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14797835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: "Toby, why are you here?"





	Fallout

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

He’s not sure what it is that he’s doing exactly. He knows he’s driving into the city. But, he can’t for the life of him understand why. He should be able to make sense of it. Should be able to come up with a reason that doesn’t ring false in his own ears.

He had been on the edge of frantic despair when he heard the news. When he saw the first shaky images of a burning SUV. He was convinced that she was dead. That she was gone from his life forever. Not just in another town, or another relationship. She was lost to him forever. Only she wasn’t. His cell phone rang. And he had breathed deeply for the first time in what had seemed ages. She was alive. And CJ saw her on the television. It took Josh two tries to get him to be able to concentrate on anything but the sound of her voice and her barely concealed sobs. He could feel guilty now that he hadn’t asked about Donna sooner. But at the time, he had been so fucking relieved that she had called him.

He had practically begged her to get on a plane. He had wanted her here. Wanted her holding the babies. Nagging him from across the city. And he had needed to see her. Needed to breathe the same air and know without a doubt that she was really okay. He is still the father of her children. And he’s in love with her. Right? That’s why he asked her to marry him so many times. Why he bought the house.

But, if he really was in love with her, how could he be driving away from her? Away from their children.  They had talked for almost an hour. She had poured out her fears and her guilt over surviving. And Toby had said the right things. At least, he thought he had. He had said he was worried about her, they all were. Had told her that Josh was with Donna. That none of this was her fault. And thank God she’d been in the other car.

And then she had asked about him. How was he doing through all of this? And he had given the standard line. He was fine, better now that she was safely home. The kids had missed her. And suddenly he had to get out of there. His emotions were too close to the surface. And he couldn’t stand being confined with her. So he said he had to get back to work. He was needed at the White House. And he kissed Andrea’s cheek as he left.

As he passes into the District, he hits the number three on his speed dial.

“Hello.”

“Hey. What are you doing?”

“Nothing. I’m not doing anything, Toby.”

“You alone?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m coming over.”

“I don’t… . There’s nothing here.”

“You have scotch?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

He hits the button to end the call just as he realizes that he doesn’t have to change direction. He was headed there the whole time, and he didn’t even know it.

~*~

She’s in the bathroom when the phone rings. She grabs the towel and wipes the cool water off her face as she heads for the living room. She has to search through her bag before she can find the cell phone. She still manages to answer on the third ring.

“CJ Cregg.”

“Hi, CJ. How are you?”

“I’m fine. I… .”

“I thought you might like some company tonight. I could come over and cook for you.”

“Ben, that’s really… it’s very nice of you. But, it’s not necessary.”

“You’ve had a rough couple of days. I’ve seen the pictures on the news. They keep showing them.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I know it can’t be easy for you. I just thought maybe you’d like someone to talk to. A shoulder to lean on, and all that.”

“That’s sweet. But, I’m still at work. I don’t think I’ll be home for hours. I’m fine. Really.”

“I could wait up… .”

“No. Really, it’s okay. As soon as I get home I’ll go straight to bed anyway.”

“Okay. Well, call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah.”

“Goodnight, CJ.”

“’Night, Ben. And… thanks.”

She throws the phone on the counter and heads back to the bathroom. She’s lied to him. Again. She can’t seem to stop doing that. And she has no idea why. He’s a very nice man. He’s sweet and kind. And he’s driving her fucking crazy. He’s everything any woman would be thrilled to have. And, she’s tried to want it this time. She’s tried to be normal, to appreciate the generosity and the compliments. Instead, she feels stifled.

She should probably come to some decision about all of this. It isn’t fair to keep Ben hanging out on the limb like this. She had hoped, somewhere deep in her subconscious, because she could never admit to it otherwise, that he would get tired of the cancelled plans and the last minute delays. That being a part-time whatever it was that they weren’t together enough to define, would be too much for him. She had hoped that he would make the decision for her this time. She had forgotten how dogged and determined he can be.

She turns off all the lights, save the two that barely illuminate the hallway. And she goes to bed. She had done an excellent job of not thinking about Donna. Until Ben’s call, that is. She can’t believe the amount of guilt she feels. The last time they had said more than three words to each other, CJ had laid into her. She had basically told Donna that she wasn’t advancing her career because she didn’t want to. And she knew that Donna was pissed at her. And now. Well, now Donna is lying in some hospital in Germany. And Josh is possibly veering closer to the edge that she had a hard enough time seeing the first time around. She can’t keep thinking about this or it will drive her crazy. She turns over and tries to clear her mind.

~*~

He uses his key and unlocks the front door. He doesn’t bother with the lights. He knows where everything is kept. So he goes straight for the liquor cabinet and grabs the bottle of scotch. He gets two glasses as well and heads down the hall. Her door is open and he sees her lying on her side. The sheet has slipped down to her waist, so he knows that she’s already naked.

He hands her the glasses and the bottle. She pours while he gets undressed. She hands him his drink when he slides in next to her. They don’t toast. But their eyes never leave the others’ as they both swallow, the glasses now empty. He takes her glass. And then he takes her.

It’s not romantic, not even pretty. It is rough and demanding. She’s begging him to go faster, harder. He’s trying to drive himself through her. To split her in half. It’s a struggle for them both to climax. And when it’s over, it feels more like they just got through something that had to be done. Rather than making love. Or even having sex.

She pours them both another drink. They sit shoulder to shoulder for at least half an hour, nursing their drinks, without speaking a word. Finally, the silence is too deafening for her.

“Toby, why are you here?”

“I would have thought that was fairly obvious.”

She swats his arm, not altogether playfully. She takes another sip and looks him in the eye.

“I mean, why are you here in my bed instead of with your wife?”

“Ex-wife.”

“Okay. But, she’s been back from Gaza for what, all of three hours now? And here you are.”

“CJ, let’s not do this.”

“Why not? We always do this.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re both worried and tired. I’m feeling guilty. You’re feeling… well I don’t know what exactly you’re feeling. But you left your wife… .”

“Ex-wife.”

“… To come over here. And I turned down a very nice man who wanted to cook me dinner. He wanted to cook for me, Toby. And for what?”

“I don’t know what you’re getting at here.”

“Toby, we always do this. Anytime something throws us off kilter, we have sex. The only time we didn’t do this was when you were married and I was living on the other side of the country. I’m saying we always do this. Don’t you think it must mean something?”

“Yeah.”

“Well? We always end up together. What does that mean?”

“I don’t know, CJ. I just don’t know.”

“We should maybe figure it out someday.”

“Yeah. But, not tonight.”

“Yeah.”

And the scotch goes down easier than it did before. And the touches become softer, not as harsh as before. And they still have these things waiting for them. An ex-wife and a nice man. Children and bombs. Josh and Donna and Leo and the President and the country. And they have jobs and responsibility. Guilt and fear and other things that they don’t want to acknowledge, let alone notice. But all that can wait another hour or two.

The End


End file.
